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B L A C K B O O K S + |
Synopsis:
Bernard Black (Dylan Moran) is an anti-social, heavy
drinking chain-smoker who owns a small London bookshop. An
unusual vocation, given that he detests customers and delights
in physically and verbally abusing them at every opportunity.
His best (and only) friend in the world is his lunchtime drinking/smoking/bitching
partner Fran (Tamsin Greig), a neurotic and boyfriend-desperate
woman who runs the obscure arty shop next-door. Manny (Bill
Bailey) is Bernard's long suffering assistant/accountant/chef/maid/slave,
who against all odds remains optimistic in his desire to improve
the bookshop and work out the bizarre nuances of life through
his surreal adventures into which Fran and Bernard are inevitably
pulled. |
| Here we present for your reading pleasure, a little summary
of what happens in each episode and all the best Fran quotes.
Enjoy! |
| |
| + S E
R I E S 1 + |
| 01 Cooking The Books |
| Meet Bernard. He runs a bookshop, but hates
people, so spends most of his time trying to get rid of customers.
In this episode Bernard attempts to do his accounts, but ends
up making a rather fetching coat out of them instead. Manny
accidentally swallows The Little Book of Calm and Fran struggles
to identify one of the items she sells in her gift shop, whilst
preparing to be birth partner for one of her friends. |
| FRAN: I do sell a lot of wank don't I? |
| |
| 02 Manny’s First Day |
| Manny tries to get a job as Bernard's assistant,
but Bernard is less than keen on Manny's plans to rejuvenate
the shop, despite Fran's encouragement. |
FRAN: We haven't slept together, and you're
not here to freak me out.
MANNY: No, no, no.
FRAN: Phew. It's just that with you being a man and everything
I thought maybe we'd had sex. |
FRAN: You need someone normal around here.
BERNARD: Normal? He's normal is he? What am I then?
FRAN: You're a freak Bernard. You know that. |
| |
| 03 Grapes of Wrath |
| Manny hires a cleaner to get rid of the filth
Bernard lives in and while the cleaning takes place they head
off to house-sit for a friend, and take the opportunity to
sample his exotic wine collection. Fran has a date and this
time she's determined to get it right. |
FRAN: I've got a date. Ben. Divorcee. Very
good looking. Nice arse. Which is a first for me.
BERNARD: Never had a nice one?
FRAN: No, but I know they exist because I've seen them on
the telly. |
FRAN: I'm not going to be nervous. I'm going
to be nice and responsive and caring.
BERNARD: Yes. On no account must he see the real you. |
FRAN: What's wrong with your wine?
BERNARD: Nothing. I just drink slowly.
FRAN: I get undressed slowly. |
| FRAN: I'm a giant ear, waiting for your songs
of niceness. |
| FRAN: Will you just look at these breasts! |
| |
| 04 The Blackout |
| Manny thinks he's in The Sweeny, Bernard can't
remember what he did at last night's party so enlists Manny's
investigative help and Fran thinks her new bloke is cheating
on her. |
BERNARD: He won't be seeing you again?
FRAN: He says he wants to see other less mad women. |
| FRAN: The awesome power of 'the blank'. |
| FRAN: Going to the toilet through a chair.
Well, we've all been there. |
| |
| 05 The Big Lock-Out |
| After a break in at the shop the boys arrange
new security measures, but unable to understand them, Bernard
manages to lock himself out and Manny locks himself in. Meanwhile,
Fran turns all dreamy after bumping into an old school friend
with an incredibly sexy voice that 'does things to her’'when
he reads the shipping forecast. |
BERNARD: What are you doing?
FRAN: I'm putting a cold flannel on his head.
BERNARD: Why?
FRAN: They do that in the films. |
| |
| 06 He's Leaving Home |
| Bernard gets jealous of all the time Manny
spends with his other friends, so embarks on a mission to
destroy his social life. Manny consequently decides to set
out on his own, but soon becomes lost and Fran and Bernard
must find him before they get too bored of each othe'’s
company. |
FRAN: You know nothing about modern culture
Bernard. Beckham, Posh, Pokemon.
BERNARD: Packman! It's pronounced Packman. |
FRAN: You tortured him. You wouldn't let him
eat Frosties.
BERNARD: They made too much noise! |
| |
| + S E
R I E S 2 + |
| 01 The Entertainer |
| Fran gets piano lessons, but still unable to play three
Blind Mice after several hours of practicing she becomes disillusioned.
In the meantime Bernard gets a date and Manny astounds the
others by picking up the skill to play the piano after listening
to the radio. Could he be the key to Fran and Bernard's success?
Not really. He just wants the weekend off. |
| FRAN: [whilst practicing the piano] I want to watch a video.
Can we go and get chips? |
| FRAN: I must be musical. I've got hundreds of CDs. |
| |
| 02 Fever |
| Fran begins to believe her bedroom walls are moving in
on her. Bernard resolves to get a summer girlfriend and Manny
attempts to avoid reaching 88 degrees in the hot weather.
|
BERNARD: [looking at hot girls] I mustn't stare.
FRAN: You haven't stared at me.
BERNARD: You're my oldest friend. Anyway you look like you
just fell out of a tree. |
BERNARD: Get out. Women think you're my girlfriend. Go.
FRAN: Oh please. Just for a few hours. At my place I'm lying
there writhing and sticky and glistening...
BERNARD: STOP IT! |
FRAN: If I told you that the walls of my flat were actually
moving in, would you think that I was strange?
BERNARD: No. I'd ask you to come round and look after my
small children. |
| FRAN: [on the woman living in the new flat] You know the
type. She's all, hello and hi. She even asked me in for coffee.
A really clever bitch. |
| FRAN: I am actually offering you me. Yes. To enjoy. Like
an éclair. Or a day at the zoo. |
BERNARD: Don't you think it's about time now that we
actually admit it. That we're hugely attracted to one another.
You know? Just for the summer.
FRAN: No I don't. I think we should wait a bit.
BERNARD: Until when?
FRAN: Until at least one of us is dead? |
| |
| 03 The Fixer |
| Manny arranges to get Fran a job through an old friend
recently out of prison, but Fran has no idea what it is and
seems unable to find out, even after working there several
days and receiving a promotion. In the meantime Bernard and
Manny get themselves in trouble with a little slice of gangland.
|
MANNY: Sales manager in a huge department store?
FRAN: Too busy.
MANNY: Beautician on a cruise liner
FRAN: Too boaty. |
FRAN: All I know about my job is that there are biscuits
in the stationary cupboard.
MANNY: Ooh. What kind? |
| |
| 04 Blood |
| Manny tries to reinvent the shop by adding coffee and comfy
chair facilities and Fran tries to track down lost relatives.
|
| FRAN: If you'll excuse me. I'm going to be with my people.
|
| |
| 05 Hello Sun |
| Fran's friend Eva (played by Jessica Stevenson from Spaced)
convinces her to go to yoga to relieve her stress. After acquiring
a collection of Freud books, Bernard comes to believe that
Manny is completely insane and needs therapy. |
BERNARD: Manny is driving me crazy. He's nuts.
FRAN: That's because he's got pressure on his meridian lines.
|
FRAN: In Tibet if they want something, do you know what
they do? They give something away.
BERNARD: Do they? That must be why they are such a dominant
global power. |
FRAN: Yoga.
BERNARD: You shouldn't be messing with that stuff. I read
an article. It's very dangerous. |
EVA: How about a special treat?
FRAN: Is it that carrot thing again?
EVA: No. I'm not a total killjoy you know. You sit still
and I'll rustle us up some naughty rice cakes. |
| |
| 06 A Nice Change |
| When building works start next door Bernard, Manny and
Fran set about finding ways to be out of the shop as much
as possible, and ultimately decide it may be time for a group
holiday. |
FRAN: You don't understand.
BERNARD: [He reveals her suitcase is filled with shoes]
We understand the you're ill. |
| FRAN: [on her shoes] They make strong men cry in train
stations. |
| FRAN: It wasn't all-bad. How many people can say they've
been on a hospital riverboat? |
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| + S E
R I E S 3 + |
| 01 Manny Come Home |
| Fran comes back from her holiday to discover Manny has taken
a job at the new Goliath bookstore next door, and Bernard's
life has consequently turned to utter turmoil. |
FRAN: I've got friends!
BERNARD: Well. Go to them. |
| |
| 02 Elephants and Hens |
| Fran heads off on a hen night with old school friends and
Manny and Bernard decide to write a children's book while
she is away. |
BERNARD: You hated school. You had a terrible time.
FRAN: I've never said that.
BERNARD: You don't have to say anything. I just look at your
life now and work backwards. |
| FRAN: You always know you are in for a good night when there
is a polar bear bleeding on the label. |
| FRAN: Games! Cake! Booze! Truth! |
FRAN: Who is Aunty Millicent?
FRIEND: It's what we used to call you. Because we knew you'd
turn into a crazy spinster. |
| |
| 03 Moo-Ma and Moo-Pa |
| Manny's parents come to stay and drive Bernard and Fran
insane, as it turns out Manny has used a little poetic licence
in his letters home regarding his relationship with Fran and
his role in the shop. |
| FRAN: I am about to pass on a secret known only to women
and gay men. You don't need to clean everything, because you
can always cover stuff with an Indian throw. |
| FRAN: I'm going to stay here forever and live on broken
breadsticks. |
MANNY'S MUM: I was young once.
FRAN: Oh. Well then, the sex is unbelievable. He's a beast. |
| FRAN: Unless they go in the next hour, I am going to tell
your mother that I'm a psycho biker junky whore. |
| |
| 04 A Little Flutter |
| Bernard gets addicted to gambling, so Fran bets him into
giving her a job at the shop where her and Manny compete for
the role of chief Bernard assistant type person. |
BERNARD: [on Fran's card skills] How do you know all that?
FRAN: My Grandad taught me. Then my Granny taught me how to
cheat before she got shot in Reno. |
| |
| 05 Travel Writer |
| Manny's favourite travel writer, Jason Hamilton is coming
to the shop to give a talk. But it would seem Manny's adoration
for Jason is infecious, as Fran and Bernard begin to fall
for his charms too. Meanwhile, Bernard's landlady has died
and left him a huge bill which he now has to pay to the new
owner, the old lady's cat to whom she left all her possessions. |
| FRAN: Manny, can I be the first to say...oooohhhh. Are you
going to scratch his name on your pencil box? |
FRAN: I'm a trained field doctor. And I can fix a jeep in
a hurricane. And I can speak 32 African languages.
JASON: Excellent. Though Borneo is of course in Asia. |
| |
| 06 Party |
| Bernard, Manny and Fran decide to shake up their lives and
actually do something interesting that Friday night by going
to a party. |
FRAN: My hair! I got it done. Isn't it perfect? Aren't I
divine? Don't you think I'm more me than I've ever been? I
can't believe you didn't notice.
BERNARD: Men have a different way of noticing hair and appearance.
We don't notice it. |
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